Fourteen days

Path to quitting "I need it" "I earned it" Replace the reward and the need

Monday

I made it until 11:25am. I thought i needed it. But I didn't. No — I needed a state change, some stimulation. The hangover from the weekend was too boring to bear. That will be the only use of the day. Tomorrow I will wait until 5pm and only use a small amount. I am committed to tapering off.

6pm and I struck again. Went and got it out of the car and hit it. This is a path to self control. More mastery of the self. A better control of the mind and more importantly the mental state. I do not need out side stimulation to live life. I am trapped in its loop and I am breaking out.

If there was a crew of people watching me, they would see me go through the same patterns. They would see me get off work and pace around until I give in to the overpowering voice in my head telling me to use. It seduces you. It holds you there. It negotiates and it gives in. The negotiation comes in waves that get larger and larger. The random thought about weed pops into my head as I'm doing whatever mindless thing and boom it's a battle. I try and shoot it down and maybe it works but then it lingers. It lurks just behind and watches waits and strikes again.

There's a lesson here. The thought hits and it lingers. Without changing your immediate surroundings you will give in. When that thought pops into your head, you have to make sure it doesn't win. There is no "I had a good day today" or "I need it to get through this" feeling. There is only the need to immediately change your state. New environment, piece of gum, yoga, work out. Leave the building you are in and commit to doing something else and ensure you don't give in later. There's an element to staying grounded that's important. Grounded being calm present and in control. This is a war on the mind. One you can and will defeat. I believe in you.

Tuesday

Before I take my first shit. Actually it was the first thought I had today. Thinking about getting my fix immediately when I wake up. I tried to fight and I thought about what I wrote above about changing location, but I just woke up, I just wanted to lay in bed. So I grabbed it went to sit on the toilet to release yesterday's food and I took my hit.

3:20pm another hit. Was taking a walk and wanted to be stimulated. Didn't care that I had a scheduled call bc it was with a friend and he was also probably high. Other stoners make me feel better about my habits. They make it easier to use. Need to just let it go, accept them and love them for who they are and accept you're on the way to change. There is no shame there is only a different path.

And beating this habit is like waiting on a harvest. The seeds I plant today need time to harvest. The thoughts need to over come the desire and self discipline takes over and is built like a muscle. That's all it is. You haven't worked out your self discipline or self control muscle enough. Explains why when it rains it pours and you have to fight and claw your way back to where you once said you were done. Oh the boulder we push up the hill each day. What a joy it is to live this life. How grateful for my challenges and this opportunity to grow and learn new things about myself.

Another at 8:25pm. This one I tired to fight but I gave in before I could hold myself back. Got home from dinner with my parents was looking forward to using and just chilling for the evening.

Wednesday

7:38 pm. Today I hit it 3 times. Why do I waste so much time lost in thought about quitting? I think no it's so bad for me it's the worst thing possible for me then next thing I know I am opening the window to blow the vape out the window. Why am I keeping myself trapped like this. I come and I write about quitting and about using but do I? Or is it all some game I play with myself out of boredom. I made no attempt to change my state today. Could've gone to the gym without it but I didn't, could've worked the afternoon without it but I didn't and I could've packed the room and gotten ready to travel without it. I'm choosing to do this. No one and nothing is forcing me to take these actions. Simply my own mind trapped in this loop or push and pull.

I know I'll be better without it, I dream about the sharpness I have when I don't use. I don't know why I don't let myself get there. Being high is a horrible default state. No escape from it. At a certain point there's just a numbness that comes over you. No thoughts, no feelings, no energy, no emotions. Just you dazed and numb like a slug in the sun.

Looking back my addiction probably ruined my last real relationship. I would get high and not care not put effort in and not be present when someone I was with needed me. I can see that now. I can see myself over the holidays way too high around my family unable to communicate effectively and getting anxious. I can see myself hanging with friends and stuck on a stutter because I had been too high. Freaking out on an airplane, playing sports in college, high giving work presentations, going to the grocery store, making weird movements and overthinking every little thing I am doing.

This behavior is not you. It's a nurfed version of you that is trying to be normal but can't because it's so stuck in the numbing. And people can tell when you're high. You might think you are hiding it but you need to know that they know. This stupid drug. All of my bad moments or embarrassing mistakes can go and point to this stupid drug putting me in that state. I want out. You want out. You need to get yourself back.

At one point when you were younger you had a fire and a desire for life. Could've been adolescent or as a teen I bet you had something that excited you like no other. You probably haven't felt that in awhile. You probably haven't felt anything in awhile emotionally. The goal is to get that back. Get the you back. Get the fire the desire the person you know you are deep down. The path is forward.

Thursday

8am. Sitting on the toilet. Grabbed to vape as soon as I got out of bed. Very little opposing force on the behavior. This is going to be hard. ---

Friday

10:08pm. Wedding weekend. An absolute bender. Beers liquor weed nicotine all the things. And a lot of it. Luckily this is an event and it doesn't happen often. I don't party like I used to for good reason, I don't need to. It's okay to not wreck yourself at every opportunity. Life is about experiencing quality time with your people. That can be achieved without the need for substance however when those friends became friends while using substance, it's hard to turn it off. I think moderation is the key. Not in a once a day sorts way but in a once in a while way. That could be days weeks months or years. But more importantly is you recognize the need for moderation and cut out substance when needed.

Life may seem high and exciting when substance is used and when it's used the after effects make life seem dull and gray. That's not the case tho when you're always free from substance. You can pull yourself into a state of bliss after prolonged abstinence. But it's times like these when you've drank all day, ate greasy food, and laying in bed thinking about your decisions that you can see clearly the other side. Memories are made experiencing life, you should go and do everything. Just know when to stop. Take a break. Reset. Breathe. And remember that only you can really take care of yourself. So love yourself. ---

Day 0 — Monday

8:54pm. Mary Jane had her last dance. Now the war begins. I know when I'm weak, when I'm thinking about it, when I'm driving near a store that has it, when I'm happy or sad or bored or hungry or angry. The only way to the end of this is through. I want my fire back, I want my life back. I want my sharp mind back. I will learn to be emotionally regulated and resilient through these next few days as I am learning how to live this new life. Fires start from a small spark and something tender enough to catch flame. Then you carefully build the flame by adding sticks and oxygen and protecting it. The voice inside your head will always find a way to make it seem like using is the answer. It thinks you're suffering without it. You are stronger than that. Light the fire, carefully build the flame, stack wood and make the fire grow. Learn how to live this new life. Get ready to experience your new self. The journey has started. You only have to get through the very next craving. Do that until you can get through the hour then the day. See you sober tomorrow going to bed. ---

Day 1 — Tuesday

8:05am. A beautiful day. Waking up clear headed, focused, not distracted. I've had thoughts of smoking but nothing I couldn't extinguish. Remember the flame is small and gentle rn, you have to nurse it to grow it. Stay present and when the craving come, fight them off with physical activity.

4:48pm. My new life has started. The future holds so much potential. Everything I've ever wanted is right in front of me. The craving arrives subtly and it try's to trick you into believing it's the answer or whatever is happening. It's not. Shut it up immediately. Force it down. Quiet it. You need to starve it out. You can do it, you're strong enough. Remember that this is the path you choose. Don't you dare turn back now.

9:28pm. Staying strong. Tomorrow will be harder than today.

Day 2 — Wednesday

8:10am. A full day down. I can feel the lack of enthusiasm for this right now. My body is tired my mind is bored, but this is the process. The next few days should be a rollercoaster of emotions, anger sadness etc. but I'm prepared. Learning to live without your substance is learning to accept and regulate your emotions on your own without help from external sources. Everything I've ever wanted is on the other side of this. The other side of breaking free from the shackles that hold me in place. The funny thing is the shackles are unlocked they only hold you in that place if you let them. You have the power to take them off and let them fall away and walk away into your new life.

You're breaking the habit of being yourself. And that self is not you, it's a past you. When you decided to quit when you decided to take a long break you choose to start this new version of yourself. So go live it. That flame that you ignited yesterday is still lit. It's very fragile right now, protect it with everything you have. When the thoughts arise kill them instantly. Don't negotiate with yourself, don't put yourself in a position to lose the flame. This is the battle of your life. And just when you think you're about to win or take your foot off the gas that's when you lose. That's when you get ambushed. Stay sharp. Stay present. Stay focused on the flame you are carefully protecting.

4:05pm. Dull. That's how I feel. Just dull. Eating sugar to stay alive, watching tv to pass the time. Trying not to goon bc I know it's bad for me. I know long break is good for me and I'm actually really proud and happy I'm taking it. I want to change, and I'm proud I'm working towards this. The thoughts will arise and try to seduce you. Don't let them. Fight it off, you can do this.

Day 3 — Thursday

8:18am. Yesterday presented two opportunities to use. A friend saw me and said "wanna get stoned". I reluctantly said no I'm taking a break. I was proud of myself for not giving in and they were proud of me for taking a break. The second was right outside my door another friend hit his pen in front of me, I felt a little voice try and reach for it but I refrained. I don't need it I told myself and that was that. Oh and there was a 3rd time, the market near me sells pre rolls and I have purchased from there before. I knew walking in it would be a dangerous place for me so I told myself no got in, grabbed what I needed and got out. Didn't even look at the preroll selection. We are surrounded by vices these days. Weed is legal and available just about everywhere, porn is all over our social media whether we like it or not, and there's really nothing we can do about it except refuse to engage.

The benefit of not using far outweighs the cost. In the last 2 full days I'm much clearer, I'm looking people in the eye when I speak with them. I'm present in conversation, I have more energy. However this is only day 3, and from what I've learned is the fight is about to get harder. These are the days where you must stay strong and notice and quiet the craving voice instantly. Don't give it room to breathe. If you negotiate you lose. Stay strong here. Give yourself grace, the anger and other emotions you've been suppressing will start to show through. Feel them, experience them, embrace them. Can you use that fire for something good. Remember that flame you lit, it's still burning. It's still very fragile, a gentle gust of wind could blow it out. Protect it with everything you have. It's getting bigger by the day, little by little. I believe in you. Believe in yourself. You didn't come this far just to come this far.

7:18pm. The cravings are strong when you least expect it. You'll be putting the key into your door and think "I should smoke". It feels like it comes out of no where and suddenly it's there. You gotta quiet the voice immediately. Don't give it room to breathe. The withdrawal is present as well. A slight dull headache and a heat flash is usually what I feel. It doesn't last very long but it's a reminder that the body is feeling the chemical imbalance. Almost 3 days down. It doesn't feel like much but it's honest work. And it's the thing that keeps going.

Day 4 — Friday

7:18am. Made it to day 4. It's been awhile since I've strung together this many days. I slept pretty well, my dreams are coming back and very vivid. I was dreaming I was playing a game I used to play and it felt so real I was moving my body like I was back out there. Interesting how it all works like that. Today's challenge and risk is different from before because now it's the weekend. And previously when it's the weekend it's ce la vie and use as much as I'd want. But I know that doesn't serve me. Yesterday I was full of energy at 8pm and actually worked until midnight, pretty proud of myself for sticking with this so far. My only goal is to make it to the end of the day sober. I will do it. I know that the cravings will hit, I'll feel withdrawal, I'll experience emotion and want to regulate myself with substance but I won't. Instead I will notice what's happening and I will respond with poise and self respect.

1:56pm. Today is a fight. My work for the week is done and I'm mooping around my home. The addiction voice keeps creeping in telling me to just have a little. It says "you made it this far that's great progress you should celebrate by smoking". The voice is the great seducer, it tries to trick you into doing something you don't want. It reframes it in this way. In the past when I would take long breaks it was usually around day 4 where I would feel proud of my progress and relapse. I won't let that happen this time. I will get over this hump. I have errands to run and work to do but I'm sitting here sulking about how I won't let myself have a smoke. And I'm proud of it. I will not cave, I will not give up and give in.

The funny thing about getting sober is it's similar to running long distance. If you've ever trained for a marathon or half you know that the training doesn't start until you've run your last longest distance. So today is only mile 4. 4 miles out of 26 (if this was a marathon). So if I wanted to start again I would have to rerun those 3 full days just to get here to day 4 again. So don't stop running. You're right here you're so close.

10:38pm. Made it to the end of another day. Today was tough but I was tougher. The boredom of sitting at home by myself, a time when I usually would've smoked to pass the time, didn't phase me this time. I stayed strong. Something I noticed is there is always a trigger. I went on a 3 mile run today and twice on my run people were smoking and the smell was repulsive. I didn't even want to breathe in the smell. But I pushed through, I made my way through the day without using any substance. I think the last time I had made it this many days in a row was two years ago.

It's crazy how before these last 4 days I was so convinced that I needed weed to survive. Like I would crack and crumble from life without it and that's simply not true. Before you started using you had a period of your life where you didn't use. A time without the weed, maybe months or years ago but there was a time before the weed. Now I can see how much of a lie that was that I was telling myself. Not once in these last few days have I lashed out at anyone or not been able to handle the normal stressors of life. Not once have I curled up into a ball unable to function. If anything I'm thinking clearly, I'm exercising more, I'm making healthier food choices. At one point in my life I didn't think this was possible, what a lie that I let grip me. I am capable. I am loving this life without it. I feel regulated, I look people in the eye when I speak with them, I feel myself growing and becoming the man I know I am. Don't let your past behavior define you. At any point in your life you can change and grow. Remember if nothing changes, nothing will change. You have to create change starting with who you are as a person. Sometimes you need to read what you wrote days before to full understand how you got here.

Day 5 — Saturday

7:07am. Feeling blah. Shit sleep I was tossing and turning all night. Vivid dreams of things that never happened but with people I've passed by. I have this feeling of being lonesome. Someone I'd been seeing turned into a ghost and now I'm sulking wondering what I did wrong. I have no urge to use at this very moment, just an existential dread for this present existence. But it's times like these where the addiction can sneak back in. Don't let it get you while you're vulnerable. Stay strong stay vigilant stay focused on the goal. The journey is the reward.

7:47pm. Saturday night, feeling good. Felt pretty dull around midday. But focused on my projects that are keeping me moving things forward. yoga helps a lot too.

Day 6 — Sunday

3pm. Proud of myself. 5 days behind me, day 6 today. For so long I thought that I needed weed to function. But I don't and I never did. Oh the lies we tell ourselves to keep ourselves stuck. Each day I'm surrounded by weed. people smoking everywhere and now I don't feel like I need it. It's a good feeling to see something that once gripped you no longer have power over you. I feel unstoppable. I can do anything I set my mind to. How lucky am I to experience this journey. I am grateful for these lessons and this life.

9:57pm. Staying strong feeling sober. I have energy late into the day that I havent had in a very long time. My mind is steady, I'm focused. The power of being sober and focused makes me dangerous. Oh if I only climbed this mountain years ago.